The Logic of Letting Go: Finding Peace Through Stoicism & Buddhism

Recently, my teammate and I simultaneously went off camera on a tedious call with a difficult partner. Later, when we checked on each other, it turned out that we both felt so much rage that we spontaneously broke into sets of curls and push-ups. Unfortunately, one doesn't always think to go off camera to burn off steam, or mute ourselves to scream; and sometimes we're stuck in a room with nowhere to hide.

Anger can be a very destructive force at work and at home, but lessons from ancient Greek and Buddhist philosophies show how it can be learned from and controlled.

Be Stoic about it

The Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius, saw anger as solely of one's own creation in his journal, Reflections. Anger isn't a product of the thing that happened; rather, it's a product of your opinion of what happened.

Choose not to be harmed—and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed—and you haven't been. -Marcus Aurelius

Aurelius tasked himself to challenge his judgment. Ask yourself if you would be equally upset if the situation were different or if the person was different.

Tapping into his study of Stoic philosophy, he elaborated with the central thesis that anger is born from a weakness of reason. No one does the wrong thing deliberately. Even if they have malice in their heart, they are misguidedly doing what they feel is right. Second, if someone does wrong you, the damage done is no different from any natural wrongdoing, such as a hurricane or a drought, where ire would be a misplaced emotion. Finally, the wrongdoing has not robbed you of the fundamental freedom to choose how to react to the life you're given.

So other people hurt me? That's their problem. Their character and actions are not mine... They haven't diminished your ability to choose.

Aurelius' main ideas included:

• Anger towards a person for their personality is like being angry at a one-legged person for their absence of a foot. "That sort of person is bound to do that. You might as well resent a fig tree for secreting juice." ... "It's silly to try to escape other people's faults. They are inescapable. Just try to escape your own."

• Those who stand in your way are part of your path to progress. “Our actions may be impeded by them, but there can be no impeding our intentions or our dispositions. Because we can accommodate and adapt... The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”

• Slights toward you do not injure your soul, but your reactions can. "If someone despises me—that’s their problem. Mine—not to do or say anything despicable. If someone hates me—that’s their problem. Mine—to be patient and cheerful with everyone, including them."

• Anger is a result of yielding to weakness. "When you start to lose your temper, remember: There’s nothing manly about rage ... Pain is the opposite of strength, and so is anger. Both are things we suffer from, and yield to.”

Aurelius' wisdom also notes how anger can breed social isolation, which is one of the surest ways to diminish happiness and longevity.

Understand the Buddha's Four Noble Truths

The "Four Noble Truths" of Buddhism are also helpful for deconstructing anger. These state that suffering (the first Truth) is caused by craving, attachment, or desire (the second Truth). To prevent suffering, we must refrain from doing the things that make us suffer (the third Truth) and then live the "Noble Eightfold Path" that refrains doing those things over time to obtain well-being (the fourth Truth) .

In other words, your frustration comes from feeding yourself the "spiritual food" of your negative reactions to events, people, or the world. If you do not feed yourself those negative thoughts, you will not be watering the seeds of anger in your consciousness and your suffering will stop. When you find yourself suffering, try asking yourself the question recommended by executive coach, Jerry Colonna: "How have I been complicit in creating the conditions I say I don't want?".

For example, I would often get angry when I felt my team was put at risk, but my thoughts have the power to subdue these fear:

1. The threat of negative change is a natural element in the corporate world. It makes no sense to be angry that something natural exists. Organizational bureaucracy and ill-advised decisions will always be present.

2. I have the freedom to choose how to react to this threat. This is an opportunity to practice and learn the art of influence and to build better relationships. If I fail to influence, that's normal—practice is not the act of succeeding over and over.

3. I will be okay, my team will be okay, the organization will be okay. Even if someone loses their job, every setback is an opportunity to explore something new; and loss is the natural order of life.

When a wise person suffers, she asks herself, 'What can I do to be free from this suffering? Who can help me? What have I done to free myself from this suffering?' But when a foolish person suffers, she asks herself, 'Who has wronged me? How can I show others that I am the victim of wrongdoing? How can I punish those who have caused my suffering?' -Thich Nhat Hanh

Thich Nhat Hanh continues in The Heart of the Buddha's Teachings:

• It starts with awareness: "If we know that our body is suffering because of the way we eat, sleep, or work, we vow to eat, sleep, or work in ways that are healthier." ... "We need to recognize and identify the nutriments we ingest and observe, 'When I think like this, speak like that, listen like this, or act like that, my suffering increases.'"

• Others are necessary to help find this awareness: "Bring what you have [found] to a friend and ask for his or her observations and insights." ... "If you sit with a friend and speak openly, determined to discover the roots of your suffering, eventually you will see them clearly. But if you keep your suffering to yourself, it might grow bigger every day. Just seeing the causes of suffering lessons your burden."

• If you feel provoked, examine how you may have contributed to the provocation: "If someone betrayed you, ask why. If you feel that the responsibility lies entirely with them, look more deeply. Perhaps you have watered the seed of betrayal in her. Perhaps you have lived in a way that has encouraged her to withdraw. We are all co-responsible, and if you hold on to the attitude of blame, the situation will only get worse."

Make the negative positive

To help control your reactions and achieve acceptance, it's helpful to understand the positive value of drama, obstruction, and setbacks.

The "Western Buddhist" Alan Watts once gave a talk about how life is like music (which has since been overlaid into an animated short). His idea is that, in a song, you don't fast forward to the best part. You want to experience all of it in its proper order—the beginning, middle, and end; the crescendos and the lows. Seeing life like a song is seeing that each part is precious and inseparable to the whole. Embrace negative moments for their value—for the drama it adds to your day, the story it provides, the learning.

The play, Our Town, builds on this idea. In the third act, the ghosts of those who'd passed are shown watching the living but experiencing no highs or lows; no volatility and no drama. This reveals that even experiencing moments of anger can be vivacious and preferable to experiencing nothing at all.

"God bless you" and other tips

A friend once told me that when he's approached with anger by a stranger, he tells the person "God bless you", which immediately disarms them. If you are the subject of someone's ire, recognize that they are suffering and it is right to wish them well. This helps the person heal, and it helps you get out of a bad situation. Anger can't defeat anger, but kindness can.

Another colleague of mine once said: "When I get frustrated with my kids, I look at their hands to remind myself of how little they are and how little they know." Consider the whole character of those who annoy you, not just the specific behavior that triggered your anger.

Be well

There are plenty of sources of wisdom on anger and they all seem to agree that the emotion is a temporary affliction that can do more harm to you than those it's directed toward. For example, the Stoic principle of challenging your judgment aligns with the Buddhist practice of ceasing to ingest the 'spiritual food' of negative reactions. Both philosophies focus on internal healing rather than the external event.

Build strength by practicing awareness, understanding, and restraint—not by feeding negative thoughts—and you can free yourself from the suffering that triggers anger.

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Footnotes

The Buddha and Marcus Aurelius also had a lot of great quotes about suffering generally, which I'd be remiss not to share:

• "Everything that happens is either endurable or not. If it’s endurable, then endure it. Stop complaining. If it’s unendurable... then stop complaining. Your destruction will mean its end as well. Just remember: you can endure anything your mind can make endurable, by treating it as in your interest to do so." -Marcus Aurelius

• "...Stick with the situation at hand, and ask, 'Why is this so unbearable? Why can’t I endure it?' You’ll be embarrassed to answer. Then remind yourself that past and future have no power over you. Only the present—and even that can be minimized. Just mark off its limits.” -Marcus Aurelius

• "Meditation and mindfulness of the present moment/activity is the path to both quitting the mind of creating its own suffering and of finding the peace necessary to uncover the root cause of the suffering — of what physical or spiritual thing you are ingesting that has caused the suffering." -Thich Nhat Hanh